Tracing Toxicity Trends Among Friends
By: Gabrielle Gunawan
Edited by: Yohana Stefani Mbangga
Friendship is an important part of our lives, but not all friendships are healthy and positive. The nature of friendship is multifaceted and special as true friends are those who invigorate our days, serving as the backbone to your life. Yet, friendships are not all sunshine and roses. As we navigate through life, a prevalent issue encountered by most is how to discern and deal with toxic friendships. Sometimes conspicuous and not-so-conspicuous, toxic friends are those who take advantage of us, oftentimes draining to be with rather than exciting.
Toxic friends can come in many forms. They can be obvious, like those who criticise and compete with us Instead of supporting us through thick and thin, they invalidate our feelings and debilitate our achievements, always trying to one-up us, and may eventually lead to the erosion of our self-esteem , or less obvious, like those who manipulate or gaslight you.
Toxic friends such as the manipulator and the controller may also cause us to foster a sense of codependency, in which we could not make our own decisions independently, relying on the other’s validation and support. This may stem from how the manipulators offer conditional support towards us, catered towards our need for approval. This includes forcing us to do certain activities before providing them with conditional support, playing with us using a carrot on a stick. Situations like that can exacerbate negative thoughts or stimulate them.
For example, one common emotional behaviour that may stem from toxic friends are ‘abandonment issues’. People with abandonment issues tend to have history being neglected and abandoned by their friends. These groups of people tend to have characteristics such as being insecure and easily jealous, relying heavily on others for support and constantly needing reassurance, may it be words of affirmation, or just the presence of another individual. These types of people may also be categorised as ‘people pleasers’ as they fear being rejected if they don’t come bearing gifts with open arms.
However, those with abandonment issues can’t just be categorised under one, as other actions that result from it may lead to the victim pushing others away, fearing that they will get too attached with others who may eventually end up abandoning them again. This tends to be incredibly emotionally draining and lead to isolation as a kind of coping mechanism in which the person thinks it's favourable compared to getting too attached then getting abandoned again.
These types of people have extreme self-esteem issues and a huge inferiority complex, thinking that they have qualities insufficient for people to continue being connected with them, leading to their mental degradation. They may also fear confrontation, often avoiding them out of fear for the other person’s reaction and may come off as easily compliant to the wishes of others. Being in the presence of a toxic friend can be really debilitating and unhealthy towards the mental health and well-being of people. Thus, the most important thing is to learn how to detach yourself from such friends.
This will not be an easy process and may prove to be an arduous journey. However, the first step in achieving it would be to assess your own feelings associated with the relationship: does it make you feel as if you have lower self worth? Does it make you feel anxious and deeply troubled? If yes, then it is highly likely that the relationship is toxic. The next course of action would be to set boundaries and try to distance yourself from the toxic friend, instead finding solace by confiding in those you trust such as your family members or other friends.
These people can provide you valuable and impartial insight, as your way of thinking may be biassed as a result of the experiences you had with the toxic friend. Of course this doesn’t mean to follow their advice blindly. Instead, it is a form of reassurance that you are making the optimal decision. Once you have made your decision, you can finally start the process of detaching yourself from that toxic friend. A good precaution would be to have someone with you throughout the process who can support you as it can be a mentally draining one. Make sure to also provide self-care by doing the things you love and limit contact by blocking them in social media or avoiding them in general, even if they try to keep contact with you or amend by apologizing.
Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself and take step to protect your own well being. It’s important to remember that friendship should be supportive and uplifting, not draining or stressful.
To summarise, traversing through the tapestries of friendships may prove to be troublesome. However, as we extricate ourselves from the webs of toxicity and learn to embrace ourselves in the presence of true friends who uplift and inspire us through the journey of life, the troublesome encounters may not be so bad after all, as it allows us to discern those who truly care for us and those who don’t.